Accountable2You » Resources » Marriage Accountability » How to Respond to Sexual Betrayal
Every couple enters a marriage with the hope that their relationship is founded on mutual love and trust. Nobody dreams of a day when they would hear the words, “I cheated on you” coming from their most trusted partner. Being at the receiving end of a confession to any form of betrayal, let alone sexual betrayal, is always devastating. It may seem impossible to respond in a God-honoring way after this earth-shattering news, but God’s Word teaches us that it is possible. However, we must be ready to fight, not against our guilty spouse, but against our sinful flesh that does not please the Lord.
The days following the confession will be full of mixed emotions. You might be reading this and have already experienced a mixture of shock, disbelief, anger, bitterness, confusion, jealousy, depression, and hopelessness, to name a few. While we can grieve the loss of a trust-filled relationship after sexual betrayal, we must be aware of the hold our emotions have on our decision-making during this vulnerable time. Our heightened emotions can cloud our judgments, and if we let those emotions rule, we might act on impulse and regret those actions later. You may feel like you must take control and fix everything right now, but broken trust cannot be repaired overnight. Instead, let your emotions draw you closer to God, who invites us to call on Him when we have been betrayed (Psalm 55:16–17).
Fight your ungodly feelings with the comfort that God has everything under control.
Self-pity reveals our self-centeredness when we magnify our suffering and spend all our time thinking about our sorry situation. We might ask ourselves, “Why me?” and feel like God doesn’t care about us. Having a biblical perspective of suffering as a believer can break our self-centered view of life. Even if we cannot fully comprehend it, God, in His wise and sovereign ways, can use the afflictions we go through to accomplish a lot of spiritual good in us (Romans 8:28–29).
Fight self-pity by reminding yourself of God’s purpose for your suffering.
Self-blame blinds us to how God views the sin of our spouse. We might start blaming ourselves and our shortcomings to excuse our spouse’s sin. The Bible teaches that God will hold each person accountable for his own sin (Mathew 12:36). Your spouse cannot shift the blame onto you when he stands before the righteous Judge. In the same way, God will also hold you accountable for how you are responding to the sin done against you. Is He honored by your thoughts toward your guilty spouse? Are you plotting how to get back at your spouse? Are you contemplating ending your life? God will not let any sin go unpunished, but only Christ can take on the blame that was not His and fully forgive it (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Fight self-blame with the knowledge that God is a righteous Judge.
First Corinthians 10:12 warns those who think they are beyond temptation: “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall.” This happens when we compare ourselves to others who have fallen into sin and think we are better than they are. We easily forget that if it had not been for God’s grace and mercy, we would still be facing God’s wrath because of our sins. Self-righteousness does not give way to humility and a willingness to grant forgiveness. It makes us think others’ sins are unforgivable, while we easily dismiss our own sins against the holy God. If your spouse has asked for your forgiveness, are you finding it hard to follow God’s command to forgive as He has forgiven you? (Colossians 3:23). Look to Christ and remember His sacrifice for you.
Fight your self-righteousness with His perfect righteousness.
We are inclined to isolate ourselves when we are hurting, but this is not God’s way (Proverbs 18:1). You don’t have to go through the pain alone; surround yourself with the right people. If you are part of a healthy Bible-believing church, seek confidence in godly leaders and friends who can faithfully walk alongside you. Encourage your spouse to seek accountability and ask for help with biblical reconciliation. Above all, we must be dependent on God. Dependence on Him means we go to Him in prayer and search His Word like our lives depended on it (Psalm 42:1; John 6:68).
Fight self-dependence by clinging to Christ and the resources He has provided for help.
The final point in this series of “fights” could easily be to “fight for your marriage,” which is a worthy cause, especially if your spouse is eager to work on marriage restoration. However, the ultimate goal of this trial, and all trials for that matter, is to become more like Christ. Praise God if He restores your marriage, but what if the outcome of your efforts to reconcile is not as you hoped for? How would you respond? Jesus knows what it feels like to be betrayed by His closest companions, Judas (Matthew 26:25) and Peter (Luke 22:61). He experienced the same temptations we face, yet He did not sin. He modeled a perfect life and is working in you to make you more like Him. Through His help, you can respond to this betrayal in a way that pleases Him.
Make being more like Christ the goal of your life. Fight sin to be more like Him.
It is not going to be an easy battle. You are going to have to fight against your sinful flesh which wants to respond to sexual betrayal your way. But remember that God has saved you from yourself and your sins, and He gave you a new identity in Christ. You have the hope that you are not going to fight alone. God promises His presence and will provide you with the strength to obey Him (Hebrews 13:21), so cling to Him!