Accountable2You » Resources » Personal Accountability » Talking About Past Sexual Sin in Dating
It was going great for my friend. A guy noticed her godly qualities and asked her out. She enjoyed getting to know him and admired his Christlike character. But the longer they dated and the more she saw him as a potential husband, the more anxious she became. It brought her distress just thinking about telling this seemingly perfect man about her dark and shameful past. She feared that she might ruin everything if he found out about her past sexual sin.
That fear isn’t unique to her. Shame often accompanies the admission of sexual guilt, whether it’s from past pornography use, previous immoral relationships, or even the painful disclosure of being a sexual abuse victim. When there's a treasured relationship at stake, revealing something deep and personal becomes more difficult. But if you are serious about pursuing purity and building a relationship grounded in truth, this conversation needs to take place.
One question my friend wrestled with was this: “My sin is in the past. God has changed me now, so do I even need to tell my boyfriend about it?”
The purpose of dating is to discern whether you will enter into a lifelong covenant with another person. Genesis 2:24 tells us that a husband and wife become one flesh. This unity means that married couples share the most intimate relationship on earth, and they know one another spiritually, emotionally, and physically on a deeper level. Likewise, 1 Corinthians 7:4 reminds us that a husband and wife belong to one another in a unique and profound way.
A potential spouse should be aware of significant parts of your story before they enter a covenant with you.
Because marriage involves this level of unity, it’s important to be honest from the start. A potential spouse should be aware of significant parts of your story before they enter a covenant with you. When you open up, it allows them to understand who you are and how God has worked in your life. In fact, transparency strengthens a future marriage. When your spouse understands your past tendencies, they are better equipped to help guard your heart.
Marriage doesn’t erase hidden sin or unresolved sin struggles; it exposes them. When you open up about your past sexual sin, it shows your boyfriend/girlfriend what your current attitude is toward that sin. If you speak of it lightly or dismissively, that attitude will likely carry into marriage. It wouldn’t help to think, “What they don’t know won’t hurt them.” Even when a particular sin is no longer an active battle, it still shapes us. A potential spouse should know of any lingering consequences, emotional patterns, or vulnerabilities.
Ideally, this conversation should take place before the engagement. While there is no hard-and-fast rule about exactly when to share this sensitive news, it's best to exercise discernment. If you bring it up without careful timing, it can lead to confusion or emotional reactions that neither of you is prepared to handle well.
If you disclose it too early, it can awaken emotional or physical intimacy and move the relationship forward prematurely (Song of Solomon 2:7). My friend knew this well because that’s what led her to sexual sin with her recent ex-boyfriend. He had shared his sexual past just a week after they met. While it brought her relief since she also had a shameful past, it created an emotional bond that led them down the path of sexual sin.
On the other hand, if you wait too long to disclose it, your boyfriend may feel blindsided or even betrayed. He might wonder, “Why is she only telling me this now?” One friend learned this lesson painfully. Her boyfriend never revealed his sexual history when they began dating. He was caught in infidelity ten years later, and she discovered that he had been unfaithful during all those years. In hindsight, she realized that his dismissive attitude toward past sin had never changed.
Because timing depends on many personal factors, it’s wise to seek counsel from mature men and women in your church. They can provide guidance specific to you and the person you are dating. Church elders may also offer pre-engagement counseling. During such counseling, you and your boyfriend/girlfriend can discuss important topics with your pastor, like your sexual histories.
Before you even begin dating, practice your dependence on God by bringing this concern to Him in prayer (Psalm 145:18). When you start dating, ask the Lord for wisdom regarding when and how to share your past (James 1:5). Trust that any response you receive from the person you are dating comes from God’s gracious and sovereign hand.
As you pursue a relationship, continually remind yourself of the Gospel that rescued you from your sinful past. Praise God that no sin is too great for Christ to forgive and that though the consequences of sin may sometimes linger, God still shows us His mercy.
When the time comes to speak about your past, guard your heart against guilt and shame. If you have repented and trusted in Christ, your sins—whether pornography, fornication, promiscuity, or any other form of sexual sin—have been fully forgiven (Hebrews 10:21–23). However, if you have not yet experienced genuine repentance and God’s forgiveness in this area, it would be wise to pause any steps toward engagement and seek help from others.
Hopefully, God’s forgiveness of your past sexual sin has motivated you to take sexual purity seriously in your current dating life. If you have this conviction, communicate your desire for sexual purity early in the dating relationship. When you do so, you can know what your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks about sexual immorality without the pressure to discuss past mistakes prematurely.
If both of you are growing Christians, sharing your testimonies will come up naturally. If past sexual sin plays a significant role in your testimony, you may acknowledge it without giving too much detail. You might say, “God convicted me of my sins, showed me His grace, and granted me forgiveness. I’m not ready to share all the details yet, but I would be open to that conversation in the future.”
When the time comes to discuss specifics, don’t be casual. Choose an appropriate time and setting.
When you share about your past, avoid giving a graphic confession. If you were once enslaved to pornography, there’s no need to recount explicit details, list websites, or describe patterns in depth. If you were sexually immoral before marriage, you don’t need to narrate the specifics. Even if this individual doesn’t become your fiancé or fiancée, he or she is still your brother or sister in Christ, whom you should not cause to stumble or tempt to sin (Matthew 18:6).
Even if your story is a testimony of God’s grace, don’t assume immediate understanding or demand acceptance. Sexual history can be a sensitive topic, even among sincere believers. It can be especially difficult for someone with little dating experience or who has not personally wrestled with a similar sin.
Be prepared to share not only what God has saved you from, but what He is doing in your life now.
When you share your past, you are offering information, not asking for their forgiveness. Your sin was ultimately against God (Psalm 51:4), not against them. While you may carry regret that you didn’t guard your purity for your future spouse, the person sitting across from you is not that spouse––at least not yet.
Finally, be prepared to share not only what God has saved you from, but what He is doing in your life now. What relationship do you have with that sin now? Do you have accountability in place? Invite wisdom and encouragement from those accountability partners before and after your vulnerable discussion. They can also help guard you both from temptation during an emotionally intense moment.
I’ve heard many testimonies of women who committed sexual sin, received God’s forgiveness, met a man who reflected the grace of Jesus, and went on to marry him. I’m sure many men with similar pasts have also experienced God’s grace through the gift of a wife. These stories are beautiful pictures of redemption that we all long for. But even if your honesty doesn’t get the response you hoped for, you can trust that it wasn’t in vain. God will use it to provide clarity before you invest more deeply in the relationship.
So don’t let fear of rejection keep you from being honest. Rejoice in the Gospel that saved you, and walk in the purity God has called you to. If it is God’s will, He will provide a spouse who reflects His grace toward you despite your broken past.
We don’t need to hide our shame from Jesus, who is not merely a “seemingly perfect” man, but the perfect Man. He looks at us in our brokenness and, in His holiness and purity, doesn’t turn us away. Instead, He receives us, washes us with His blood, and will one day present us as blameless and spotless to Himself (Ephesians 5:26–27). Sharing your past doesn’t guarantee a marriage or a spouse, but no matter the outcome, know that your perfect Bridegroom loves you.
Stephanie Colinco is the Educational Content Manager at Accountable2You. She holds degrees in biblical counseling (MABC, TMU; DEdMin, SBTS) and loves using her training to serve women both globally and at her local church, Grace and Truth Church Cincinnati.