Dear Soon To Be,

Congratulations on your engagement! Entering into a marriage covenant is a serious decision and life-long commitment. An issue with pornography is a valid concern and should be discussed before marriage. It is important to know how your prospective spouse feels about this issue and if it is a struggle in his life.

Ask how he feels pornography affects the marriage relationship. Does he agree it is harmful and damaging, or no big deal? How has it affected him personally? Does he have accountability in place? Does he talk to someone about his purity? Find out what steps he takes to avoid failure in this area.

Premarital counseling is another way to allow you to discuss topics beforehand. Learning how to communicate well with each other now will help to resolve issues that come up in the future.

A healthy marriage needs honesty and transparency. Hopefully, your fiancé is open to the discussion and willing to talk about it. If not, that is a red flag you should carefully consider before you say, “I do.”

Wishing you both the best,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Worried,

The short answer: Take it away! Inappropriate actions on a device need to be dealt with immediately. Technology has made it so easy for kids to engage in dangerous behavior that can go unnoticed by parents. Chat rooms and social media provide exposure to bullying and meeting strangers. Pornography is abundant. Personal photos can be exploited. Demonstrating maturity should be required to earn the privilege of using technology.

If your daughter needs to be able to call you, I would suggest an app such as AppLock. This allows messaging and apps to be locked down while restricting the phone to making and receiving calls. Other options would be push-to-talk devices like the Relay or phones that only allow phone calls.

Seek wise counsel from a pastor or trusted friend to address the inappropriate behavior. Set family boundaries on the use of technology, like when, where, and how it can be used. If accountability has not been taught, start by allowing monitored use of the device in the home. Put accountability software in place and review the reports regularly with her to help train the heart toward making responsible decisions. It will open up wonderful opportunities for dialogue!

Begin the process of rebuilding trust again while giving her tools to be successful!

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Earnest,

Understanding the true meaning and purpose of accountability is very exciting. Accountability is a way to take responsibility for actions and decisions that move toward success in a desired goal. So, accountability offers an encouraging perspective on life!

Accountability should not be looked at with drudgery. It is not meant to catch someone doing wrong, but rather to assist an individual toward right choices. We are all more successful at accomplishing goals when a partner comes alongside to help track progress and give encouragement. It also helps to have a support system when there is temptation to get off track and lose sight of the goal.

I think your family will see the benefits of accountability if you all choose desired goals that are specific to each person. Some goals could be to lose a few pounds, to get better grades, to exercise more, or to increase your savings account. Have each person write out their goal and choose a partner to be accountable to. Record your progress, and excitement is sure to follow as you give each other updates of your success!

As an added benefit, you will create stronger relationships between accountability partners which will further the drive toward desiring accountability.

We all want to be successful in our daily choices! Accountability is a wonderful way to make this happen.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.