Dear Devastated,

Wrong choices from the one who has vowed to “love and cherish” you can feel like a betrayal. The hurt can be so overwhelming that it can be hard to extend forgiveness. But you can experience a fulfilled and trusting relationship again and make your marriage even stronger!

Your husband has made the first step with his confession. It was probably not an easy decision for him knowing the pain that it would cause you. The fact that he told you sounds like he is taking the initiative to make it right.

I would hope he also expressed a desire for change. Growth can only happen when a person is willing to improve. To support your husband toward changing his behavior, you will need to forgive him. An unforgiving heart will create bitterness and build resentment. Forgiveness begins with realizing that none of us are perfect. We all have faults and the propensity to hurt the ones we love. The key is to be willing to move forward.

Now would be a great opportunity to put accountability in place. It will reinforce your husband’s true intent toward change. Simply being aware that he is accountable for his actions and decisions can motivate him to make right choices. It will also be a useful tool to rebuild the broken trust and show transparency. Accountability will give you both opportunity for real communication and make your relationship even stronger.

Seek out ways to encourage your heart as well. Supportive friends and helpful resources can provide healing and hope. Find people who will help you focus on the positive changes being made and who value your marriage being successful. Find ways to reconnect with your husband. Spend quality time together with the purpose of healthy conversation.

Marriage is only as good as the amount of time we invest in it! I hope that through this bump in the road, you both will come out the other side with a greater appreciation and deeper love for one another.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Soon To Be,

Congratulations on your engagement! Entering into a marriage covenant is a serious decision and life-long commitment. An issue with pornography is a valid concern and should be discussed before marriage. It is important to know how your prospective spouse feels about this issue and if it is a struggle in his life.

Ask how he feels pornography affects the marriage relationship. Does he agree it is harmful and damaging, or no big deal? How has it affected him personally? Does he have accountability in place? Does he talk to someone about his purity? Find out what steps he takes to avoid failure in this area.

Premarital counseling is another way to allow you to discuss topics beforehand. Learning how to communicate well with each other now will help to resolve issues that come up in the future.

A healthy marriage needs honesty and transparency. Hopefully, your fiancé is open to the discussion and willing to talk about it. If not, that is a red flag you should carefully consider before you say, “I do.”

Wishing you both the best,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Worried,

The short answer: Take it away! Inappropriate actions on a device need to be dealt with immediately. Technology has made it so easy for kids to engage in dangerous behavior that can go unnoticed by parents. Chat rooms and social media provide exposure to bullying and meeting strangers. Pornography is abundant. Personal photos can be exploited. Demonstrating maturity should be required to earn the privilege of using technology.

If your daughter needs to be able to call you, I would suggest an app such as AppLock. This allows messaging and apps to be locked down while restricting the phone to making and receiving calls. Other options would be push-to-talk devices like the Relay or phones that only allow phone calls.

Seek wise counsel from a pastor or trusted friend to address the inappropriate behavior. Set family boundaries on the use of technology, like when, where, and how it can be used. If accountability has not been taught, start by allowing monitored use of the device in the home. Put accountability software in place and review the reports regularly with her to help train the heart toward making responsible decisions. It will open up wonderful opportunities for dialogue!

Begin the process of rebuilding trust again while giving her tools to be successful!

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Earnest,

Understanding the true meaning and purpose of accountability is very exciting. Accountability is a way to take responsibility for actions and decisions that move toward success in a desired goal. So, accountability offers an encouraging perspective on life!

Accountability should not be looked at with drudgery. It is not meant to catch someone doing wrong, but rather to assist an individual toward right choices. We are all more successful at accomplishing goals when a partner comes alongside to help track progress and give encouragement. It also helps to have a support system when there is temptation to get off track and lose sight of the goal.

I think your family will see the benefits of accountability if you all choose desired goals that are specific to each person. Some goals could be to lose a few pounds, to get better grades, to exercise more, or to increase your savings account. Have each person write out their goal and choose a partner to be accountable to. Record your progress, and excitement is sure to follow as you give each other updates of your success!

As an added benefit, you will create stronger relationships between accountability partners which will further the drive toward desiring accountability.

We all want to be successful in our daily choices! Accountability is a wonderful way to make this happen.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.