Dear Watchful,

As an accountability partner, you play an important role in your partner’s success! Encouraging them in their plan toward reaching and maintaining their goal is exciting. But what happens when it’s time to address poor choices?

Confrontation can be difficult. You may be required to ask difficult questions of your partner. Your questions may be met with embarrassment or other unpredictable behavior. But remember, they have asked you to partner with them in this journey!

I encourage you to set a time to meet face-to-face. You get the most benefit from conversation when you are physically together. Let them know you are not here to shame or judge, but want to help them identify what went wrong.

Listen to their explanation to get a better understanding of the situation. Direct the conversation by asking questions like “What made it easy to slip?” or “What can you do to prevent this from happening again?” It is important to not accept excuses. Accountability is about taking responsibility for our choices. Together you can brainstorm ideas to help your partner achieve better success.

End your conversation by encouraging your partner to focus on their goal. Remind them that you are committed to helping them succeed! Give praise and recognize the progress they are making. Quality communication will directly affect your accountability relationship. Remember, positive words motivate!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear On Alert,

Trust is so important in a marriage. It takes a deep commitment from both partners to have a healthy, honest relationship. But trust can be destroyed in an instant by poor choices. Broken trust leads to suspicion and insecurities, which makes it impossible to work together as a team.

Find the source of your suspicion. Have there been changes in recent behavior? Excess time online that takes your spouse away from family and responsibilities is a legitimate concern. An increase in irritability or sudden issues with anger could be a sign of a deeper problem.

One way to approach it is to simply ask what they are doing online. If your spouse is struggling with online temptation, they may become defensive or feel it is an invasion of privacy. If there is a denial of any wrongdoing with no desire to settle your concerns, you may need to involve the help of a counselor or pastor.

If your spouse is willing to be transparent with their online activities, then put measures in place like accountability software. This will help to ease any concerns you may have. Be sure you are not using it to find fault with your spouse’s activity. Looking for failure will steal the pleasure that comes with working as a team!

One of the greatest joys in marriage is when both partners want success for each other. Trusting one another allows us to be vulnerable with each other and enjoy a deeper, intimate relationship!

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Caring,

There really is no magic number. You will have a better understanding if he is ready by asking some of the following questions:

• How much training have I invested in internet safety?
• Have I discussed stranger danger?
• What information can be shared with others?
• Does he make wise decisions in my absence?

Teach him that owning a phone is a privilege and, if used improperly, it will be taken away. Give clear rules for when, where, and what purpose the phone may be used. I would also encourage the use of accountability software as a way to train him toward the right choices. It will give you the ability to supervise his activity and stay on top of any issues that arise. Having accountability in place will also allow for valuable dialogue about his choices.

As parents, we need to focus our influence on our children’s training while they are young. Equipping them now will be a valuable asset as they grow toward being successful adults!

Wishing the best for your family,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Gail,

I encourage spouses to be accountable to one another. It is a great way to create a lifestyle of honesty and transparency. It also gives couples the opportunity to have healthy dialogue that reinforces trust and builds intimacy.

Accountability software is not beneficial if it is being used to catch your spouse doing wrong. The joy of accountability comes when we are able to motivate and support the goals and values our partner wants to achieve.

If secrets have been kept in the past, often times it creates a breakdown in communication. Suspicion and disharmony taint the relationship. Communication needs to be built on truth, integrity, and respect for each other.

If trust is still being rebuilt from past hurt, it may be better for someone else to be your husband’s accountability partner. His partner can give you updates of his success while not bogging you down with specific failures. This will give you both an opportunity to discuss his progress while encouraging a relationship toward trust and healing.

Work as a team! Commit to making your relationship stronger and enjoy the benefits accountability can offer.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Devastated,

Wrong choices from the one who has vowed to “love and cherish” you can feel like a betrayal. The hurt can be so overwhelming that it can be hard to extend forgiveness. But you can experience a fulfilled and trusting relationship again and make your marriage even stronger!

Your husband has made the first step with his confession. It was probably not an easy decision for him knowing the pain that it would cause you. The fact that he told you sounds like he is taking the initiative to make it right.

I would hope he also expressed a desire for change. Growth can only happen when a person is willing to improve. To support your husband toward changing his behavior, you will need to forgive him. An unforgiving heart will create bitterness and build resentment. Forgiveness begins with realizing that none of us are perfect. We all have faults and the propensity to hurt the ones we love. The key is to be willing to move forward.

Now would be a great opportunity to put accountability in place. It will reinforce your husband’s true intent toward change. Simply being aware that he is accountable for his actions and decisions can motivate him to make right choices. It will also be a useful tool to rebuild the broken trust and show transparency. Accountability will give you both opportunity for real communication and make your relationship even stronger.

Seek out ways to encourage your heart as well. Supportive friends and helpful resources can provide healing and hope. Find people who will help you focus on the positive changes being made and who value your marriage being successful. Find ways to reconnect with your husband. Spend quality time together with the purpose of healthy conversation.

Marriage is only as good as the amount of time we invest in it! I hope that through this bump in the road, you both will come out the other side with a greater appreciation and deeper love for one another.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Soon To Be,

Congratulations on your engagement! Entering into a marriage covenant is a serious decision and life-long commitment. An issue with pornography is a valid concern and should be discussed before marriage. It is important to know how your prospective spouse feels about this issue and if it is a struggle in his life.

Ask how he feels pornography affects the marriage relationship. Does he agree it is harmful and damaging, or no big deal? How has it affected him personally? Does he have accountability in place? Does he talk to someone about his purity? Find out what steps he takes to avoid failure in this area.

Premarital counseling is another way to allow you to discuss topics beforehand. Learning how to communicate well with each other now will help to resolve issues that come up in the future.

A healthy marriage needs honesty and transparency. Hopefully, your fiancé is open to the discussion and willing to talk about it. If not, that is a red flag you should carefully consider before you say, “I do.”

Wishing you both the best,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Worried,

The short answer: Take it away! Inappropriate actions on a device need to be dealt with immediately. Technology has made it so easy for kids to engage in dangerous behavior that can go unnoticed by parents. Chat rooms and social media provide exposure to bullying and meeting strangers. Pornography is abundant. Personal photos can be exploited. Demonstrating maturity should be required to earn the privilege of using technology.

If your daughter needs to be able to call you, I would suggest an app such as AppLock. This allows messaging and apps to be locked down while restricting the phone to making and receiving calls. Other options would be push-to-talk devices like the Relay or phones that only allow phone calls.

Seek wise counsel from a pastor or trusted friend to address the inappropriate behavior. Set family boundaries on the use of technology, like when, where, and how it can be used. If accountability has not been taught, start by allowing monitored use of the device in the home. Put accountability software in place and review the reports regularly with her to help train the heart toward making responsible decisions. It will open up wonderful opportunities for dialogue!

Begin the process of rebuilding trust again while giving her tools to be successful!

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Earnest,

Understanding the true meaning and purpose of accountability is very exciting. Accountability is a way to take responsibility for actions and decisions that move toward success in a desired goal. So, accountability offers an encouraging perspective on life!

Accountability should not be looked at with drudgery. It is not meant to catch someone doing wrong, but rather to assist an individual toward right choices. We are all more successful at accomplishing goals when a partner comes alongside to help track progress and give encouragement. It also helps to have a support system when there is temptation to get off track and lose sight of the goal.

I think your family will see the benefits of accountability if you all choose desired goals that are specific to each person. Some goals could be to lose a few pounds, to get better grades, to exercise more, or to increase your savings account. Have each person write out their goal and choose a partner to be accountable to. Record your progress, and excitement is sure to follow as you give each other updates of your success!

As an added benefit, you will create stronger relationships between accountability partners which will further the drive toward desiring accountability.

We all want to be successful in our daily choices! Accountability is a wonderful way to make this happen.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.