Dear Seeking,

We have been entrusted with a great responsibility as parents. Our children are put into our care to raise, love, nurture, and teach them. Parenting requires a very hands-on approach when kids are young, but as they mature, the process gradually transitions more toward a mentoring role.

As parents, we need to be involved in our kids’ lives. We need to give attention to their activities, friends, and interests. It’s important to maintain ongoing conversations about their lives. We need to actively train them on how to make good decisions and to be responsible for their actions. Intentional parenting is needed to transition our kids from dependent children to independent and wise adults.

Privacy is a privilege children earn from a relationship built on trust and respect. It is not a right. Set expectations for your kids so they have plenty of opportunities to earn your trust. For example, consider questions like these:

• Are curfews and time expectations met consistently?
• Are homework, chores, and other responsibilities done well and finished when expected?
• Are they where they said they would be, with people you expect them to be with?
• Are devices and technology being used appropriately?

Parenting also comes with the responsibility of disciplining our children when trust has been broken. Any red flags should automatically take away the privilege of privacy. You will need to confront them about the issue, set new boundaries, and work with them to rebuild trust.

Talk with your children about what privacy looks like for them. Be sure they know that if trust is broken from any type of poor behavior, they will lose this privilege. Being held accountable for their actions and decisions is a great way for kids to show parents they are ready for more freedom and privacy!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Happily Married,

Facebook is a great way to connect with friends and family and share life events. It has given us the ability to stay up to date with those who are not involved in our day-to-day lives. Ask yourself the following questions when determining whether to accept a friend request on social media.

Have I talked with my husband about this person, and does he know the history behind our relationship? It is important to be honest and transparent about your past relationships. Keeping secrets will undermine the trust you have with your husband. If he has any reservations about the rekindling of this friendship, ignore the request.

What are the intentions behind the friend request, and what are my intentions in accepting this request? You most likely have some inclination about the motives behind a prior boyfriend reaching out to you and whether his intentions are appropriate. You need to carefully examine your own motives as well to be sure they are pure. Any discontentment in your marriage could easily spark inappropriate conversation.

Could this connection present any issues in my marriage? Reminiscing on the past could stir jealousy or suspicion. Details may come out that your husband wasn’t aware of or that you have never shared with each other. Be sure you both are secure in your relationship and trust one another to be able to deal with any new revelations that may come to light.

Do I allow my husband visibility into my Facebook and social media life? Being accountable with your spouse for your activity will show your commitment to be transparent about those you engage with online. Keeping relationships or conversations hidden from your spouse can lead to other secrets and temptations that can damage trust.

How would I respond if my husband was asked to reconnect with a girlfriend from the past? It is wise to have boundaries in place so you both have clear expectations when it comes to online relationships. Without boundaries, networking sites can become a dangerous place to hang out. Innocent conversation has the potential of turning into something more before you are aware of it.

Examine your online relationships carefully. It is not worth putting your marriage at risk. Guard yourself from any source of temptation and treasure your spouse!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Responsible Teen,

The teen years are a period of intense growth—physically, emotionally, and intellectually! A lot is going on inside the mind and body of an adolescent. The desire for independence and the process of separating from your parents are normal and healthy.

But the growing need for independence does not mean you are responsibly independent yet. You probably still rely on your parents for many things like laundry, meals, a home, and financial aid. Your parents seem ready to give you more freedom by trusting you with a phone.

Accountability is a gift you can really benefit from—if you are willing! It’s a way to allow independence while providing your parents with some hands-on guidance as your reasoning skills are developing.

The truth is that you’re at an impressionable stage in life. Decision-making can be tricky when peer pressure weighs heavily on your thought process. Accountability gives your parents a window into how you control your impulses and anticipate the consequences of your choices and actions as you mature.

Have a conversation with your parents about their expectations. The more trust you build through making wise decisions, the more freedom you will likely experience. Your parents want to equip and train you to be a leader with great character and integrity. Use these years to gain from their wisdom and experience! You will appreciate their efforts as you enter into adulthood.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Bringing Them Up,

Responsibility does not come naturally to any of us! We see examples of that all the way back in the Garden of Eden when Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent. If our children are not required to take responsibility for their behavior, we will create adults who expect entitlement and are unwilling to accept correction.

Responsibility is a quality that needs to be taught. As parents, we should expect it from our kids, not give it as an option. It is one of the most important ingredients of developing maturity. Responsibility will not only teach them discipline but also how to face adversity as they get older.

With young children, give them opportunities to help around the house. Find chores or projects that are appropriate for their age level. Don’t set expectations so high that failure becomes discouraging. Little ones enjoy pleasing Mom and Dad and want to make you proud! Shower them with praise when tasks are finished, while giving correction and guidance in areas they can improve.

By allowing some freedom to fail, children see there is always room for growth. Consequences should be given for tasks that are poorly done or left unfinished. Also consider giving a stronger form of consequence when a child makes excuses. This will emphasize the need to take ownership for poor choices and show the importance of responsibility.

As you train your children, be mindful that you are raising “future adults.” Do your best to equip them with qualities that will mold them into leaders who exhibit outstanding character and high standards of excellence!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Hoping,

Successful accountability requires a willing heart—a desire to change and grow by making the right choices. If it is forced on someone, you will most likely not receive the results you were hoping for. Everyone struggles with something in life. But if a person does not feel the need to improve, then accountability offers little appeal.

It could be that your husband doesn’t see the need for accountability or the benefit it can provide. Ask him if there is a goal he would like to achieve or something he would like to accomplish. An accountability partner makes a great support system to encourage and motivate him toward reaching his goal.

It could also be that your husband is hesitant to enter an accountability partnership with you as his partner. He may not want to hurt you if he knows there is a chance for him to fail or get off track. He could also fear the judgment that would follow from poor choices. You could suggest a trusted friend or mentor to be his partner.

Accountability provides so many benefits to encourage successful life choices and cultivate stronger relationships. But the heart needs to want it too!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Watchful,

As an accountability partner, you play an important role in your partner’s success! Encouraging them in their plan toward reaching and maintaining their goal is exciting. But what happens when it’s time to address poor choices?

Confrontation can be difficult. You may be required to ask difficult questions of your partner. Your questions may be met with embarrassment or other unpredictable behavior. But remember, they have asked you to partner with them in this journey!

I encourage you to set a time to meet face-to-face. You get the most benefit from conversation when you are physically together. Let them know you are not here to shame or judge, but want to help them identify what went wrong.

Listen to their explanation to get a better understanding of the situation. Direct the conversation by asking questions like “What made it easy to slip?” or “What can you do to prevent this from happening again?” It is important to not accept excuses. Accountability is about taking responsibility for our choices. Together you can brainstorm ideas to help your partner achieve better success.

End your conversation by encouraging your partner to focus on their goal. Remind them that you are committed to helping them succeed! Give praise and recognize the progress they are making. Quality communication will directly affect your accountability relationship. Remember, positive words motivate!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear On Alert,

Trust is so important in a marriage. It takes a deep commitment from both partners to have a healthy, honest relationship. But trust can be destroyed in an instant by poor choices. Broken trust leads to suspicion and insecurities, which makes it impossible to work together as a team.

Find the source of your suspicion. Have there been changes in recent behavior? Excess time online that takes your spouse away from family and responsibilities is a legitimate concern. An increase in irritability or sudden issues with anger could be a sign of a deeper problem.

One way to approach it is to simply ask what they are doing online. If your spouse is struggling with online temptation, they may become defensive or feel it is an invasion of privacy. If there is a denial of any wrongdoing with no desire to settle your concerns, you may need to involve the help of a counselor or pastor.

If your spouse is willing to be transparent with their online activities, then put measures in place like accountability software. This will help to ease any concerns you may have. Be sure you are not using it to find fault with your spouse’s activity. Looking for failure will steal the pleasure that comes with working as a team!

One of the greatest joys in marriage is when both partners want success for each other. Trusting one another allows us to be vulnerable with each other and enjoy a deeper, intimate relationship!

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Caring,

There really is no magic number. You will have a better understanding if he is ready by asking some of the following questions:

• How much training have I invested in internet safety?
• Have I discussed stranger danger?
• What information can be shared with others?
• Does he make wise decisions in my absence?

Teach him that owning a phone is a privilege and, if used improperly, it will be taken away. Give clear rules for when, where, and what purpose the phone may be used. I would also encourage the use of accountability software as a way to train him toward the right choices. It will give you the ability to supervise his activity and stay on top of any issues that arise. Having accountability in place will also allow for valuable dialogue about his choices.

As parents, we need to focus our influence on our children’s training while they are young. Equipping them now will be a valuable asset as they grow toward being successful adults!

Wishing the best for your family,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Gail,

I encourage spouses to be accountable to one another. It is a great way to create a lifestyle of honesty and transparency. It also gives couples the opportunity to have healthy dialogue that reinforces trust and builds intimacy.

Accountability software is not beneficial if it is being used to catch your spouse doing wrong. The joy of accountability comes when we are able to motivate and support the goals and values our partner wants to achieve.

If secrets have been kept in the past, often times it creates a breakdown in communication. Suspicion and disharmony taint the relationship. Communication needs to be built on truth, integrity, and respect for each other.

If trust is still being rebuilt from past hurt, it may be better for someone else to be your husband’s accountability partner. His partner can give you updates of his success while not bogging you down with specific failures. This will give you both an opportunity to discuss his progress while encouraging a relationship toward trust and healing.

Work as a team! Commit to making your relationship stronger and enjoy the benefits accountability can offer.

Sincerely,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.