Dear Uneasy,

Way to go Mom and Dad for setting up accountability in your home! You are taking the right steps to teach your children the importance of taking personal responsibility for their actions and decisions. But how do you ensure that they continue this same behavior when you’re not around?

From the time kids are young, we need to continue emphasizing the need for accountability as a lifestyle, not just what we do in the home. It involves much more than merely installing accountability software or internet filtering on their devices. Accountability requires a great deal of involvement from you!

Parents should focus on these four critical areas to encourage an environment of accountability.

1. Relationship

The best way to achieve accountability in any area is to have a close relationship with someone to talk through struggles, temptations, and choices. Cultivating a trusting relationship with your children will go a long way in maintaining open communication about their decisions and actions. Knowing that you are the one person who will support and love them no matter what will encourage them to come to you with confusing and difficult situations.

If you don’t invest in your relationship with your kids, they will seek this connection somewhere else. As a result, they may confide in others who do not have their best interests in mind. Having a loving support system in place will encourage kids toward transparency, especially when they need wise advice.

2. Conversation

Conversation needs to occur at home on a constant basis. By making yourself available to discuss things when your kids need to talk, you show them you are interested and care about what is going on in their life. Talk about their relationships, friends, activities, and plans for the future. Ask about the struggles and pressures they feel from outside influences and the choices their friends are making.

Daily conversation will encourage an environment of openness and allow you the opportunity to direct questions toward important and sensitive topics. When kids feel loved and safe to discuss issues without fear of judgment, they will have the confidence to come to you with anything. The influence you can have on your children by simply being available can greatly impact their actions and decisions!

3. Boundaries

Kids need to know what is ok and not ok and why. Boundaries need to be clearly taught and compliance expected 100 percent of the time, not just at home. Having clear guidelines will make decision-making easier when they are faced with choices you are not around to witness.

What types and ratings of movies are ok? What video games are acceptable? What places and groups are to be avoided? When can technology be used and with whom? When boundaries are clearly defined, it eliminates confusion.

Kids are inquisitive! It helps for them to know the reason why things are not healthy for them, not just because mom and dad said so. By discussing the dangers of wrong choices, they will think twice before heading into a situation they know can be harmful to them.

4. Escape Plan

Peer pressure can make it hard to make the right choices. Kids need to know how to get out of situations that make them uncomfortable or that go outside the boundaries set for them. Having a plan in place to let your children discreetly ask for help can be a huge benefit to maintaining accountability.

Set up a trigger word that will initiate a phone call from you. If your kids text you the trigger word, you can call them and explain they need to excuse themselves because they are required at home. Just knowing there is a quick way out of any situation can alleviate the pressure to make the wrong choices.

Encourage accountability with your children by investing in your relationship with them! Make their success in life a priority while you have influence in their choices and decisions. The impact you make on them while their young will be far reaching into adulthood.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Busy Dad,

That is a legitimate concern, especially in our technology-driven society. Screen time is replacing much of the time families used to spend together. Sadly, we are often depriving our relationships of much-needed face-to-face interaction. When we spend too much time looking at a screen instead of each other, we miss out on valuable quality time with those we love.

Three areas are particularly important to maintaining close, healthy connections within our family relationships.

1. Affection

Technology provides an avenue to connect with people, but it can cause us to lose out on the physical connection that face-to-face interactions provide. Personal contact is very important to the physical, cognitive, and emotional development of our children.

When children are young, personal contact comes quite naturally as they enjoy cuddles, holding hands, and kisses. We tend not to show the same amount of affection as our kids mature. Whether they are embarrassed by parental affection in front of peers or struggle with bodily changes, physical contact is still a necessity for the development of our relationship with our older children.

A simple hug can send the message that they are loved, important, and belong. It has the ability to reduce their stress and anxiety and is a way of opening the door of communication if they are struggling with something. Physical touch builds trust in a relationship and will deepen your connection with your kids.

2. Conversation

It’s easy to miss opportunities to have a good conversation if we don’t pull ourselves away from our devices. Put boundaries in place for where and when technology can be used. For example, restricting device usage at the table will give you a chance to catch up on everyone’s day.

Not allowing devices in the bedroom can provide an opportunity to talk about more serious conversation as your kids are winding down for the day. Go deeper than surface questions like “How was your day?” You can find out much more by asking very specific questions! What brings them happiness? What scares them? What confuses them? What are their interests? Discuss world events and how it makes them feel. Make it a priority to initiate conversation. You could be pleasantly surprised at how much your kids will open up and share with you.

3. Availability

When our mind is occupied with the screen in front of us, we have a tendency to not give our full attention to what is happening around us. Whether it is a half-hearted answer to a child’s question, or not paying attention to the activity going on in the next room, we are not fully present when our eyes are fixed on a screen.

Make it a rule that each family member must fully engage when approached. That requires their device to be set aside and eye contact made. Children can tell when our focus is elsewhere which will discourage them from opening up and discussing important issues. Be available and be present! Quality interaction takes intention.

Connecting with our kids on a deep, personal level is important to maintaining a strong relationship with them. Be deliberate and enjoy their youth! They grow up way too fast!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Reluctant,

One of the most important relationships we get to enjoy is the union of marriage. Marriage vows are a commitment to keep ourselves solely unto our spouse until death. When we enter the marriage covenant, it is important to put in place boundaries and accountability to guard our relationship from outside temptation.

If you maintain appropriate friendships with the opposite gender, there should be no hesitation to bring up these relationships with your spouse. The fact that your husband doesn’t know about this friendship and the fear that he could disrupt it should concern you. As a married woman, you are opening yourself up to temptation by guarding this male friendship secretively.

Inappropriate behavior with male companions can start with an innocent conversation. Casual talk can lead to sharing information, thoughts, or feelings that should only be kept between you and your husband. A male friend might make you feel understood and appreciated more than you feel your husband does. But investing in this type of emotional connection with your coworker, without boundaries in place, provides an opportunity to stray from your commitment to your spouse. While you might view this friendship innocently right now, having secrets from your husband will cause distrust down the road in your marriage.

You and your husband should have honest conversations about the friendships you both have outside of your marriage. Any activity with the opposite gender should be done with others present. Guard your heart toward deepened emotional relationships with other men.

Your relationship with your spouse takes priority over any other relationship. Marital fidelity is a commitment to daily seek what is best for your spouse and remain loyal to him and your marriage! Strive to be a person of faithful character and integrity.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Attentive,

I’m glad to hear that you want to do your best to keep your marriage covenant free from any vulnerabilities. Being intentional to maintain an honest, trusting relationship with your husband should certainly be a priority. Accountability is an important tool to have in place to ensure that transparency and integrity are desired by you both.

While your husband is home, be sure to invest in your relationship! Marriage is directly related to your friendship with one another. A deep, emotionally connected relationship fosters a culture of trust, respect, and companionship. Be sure there are no conflicts left unresolved that could allow resentment and bitterness to grow while you are apart.

I encourage you to discuss events and decisions that will take place while he is gone, so you are both in agreement about things. Also, have boundaries in place when it comes to spending time alone with the opposite gender. Do not allow any temptation to have an opportunity to grow.

Spend quality time together, and be sure you both have your intimate needs met. A relationship that is left with vulnerable areas may cause either of you to feel insecure, lonely, abandoned, or fearful. Before he goes on his trip, leave him with a kiss you’ll both remember for days!

While he is away, try to connect with each other each day either through phone, text, or video. Keep each other up to date with your activities. If your husband is on a trip with another female, it is wise for him to have a third coworker or chaperone come along. Plan for his return with something exciting to look forward to. Be creative!

Accountable2You is a helpful tool for staying accountable to your spouse through detailed reporting of internet and device activity, app usage, and screen time. Your marriage is worth the effort and investment!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Seeking,

We have been entrusted with a great responsibility as parents. Our children are put into our care to raise, love, nurture, and teach them. Parenting requires a very hands-on approach when kids are young, but as they mature, the process gradually transitions more toward a mentoring role.

As parents, we need to be involved in our kids’ lives. We need to give attention to their activities, friends, and interests. It’s important to maintain ongoing conversations about their lives. We need to actively train them on how to make good decisions and to be responsible for their actions. Intentional parenting is needed to transition our kids from dependent children to independent and wise adults.

Privacy is a privilege children earn from a relationship built on trust and respect. It is not a right. Set expectations for your kids so they have plenty of opportunities to earn your trust. For example, consider questions like these:

• Are curfews and time expectations met consistently?
• Are homework, chores, and other responsibilities done well and finished when expected?
• Are they where they said they would be, with people you expect them to be with?
• Are devices and technology being used appropriately?

Parenting also comes with the responsibility of disciplining our children when trust has been broken. Any red flags should automatically take away the privilege of privacy. You will need to confront them about the issue, set new boundaries, and work with them to rebuild trust.

Talk with your children about what privacy looks like for them. Be sure they know that if trust is broken from any type of poor behavior, they will lose this privilege. Being held accountable for their actions and decisions is a great way for kids to show parents they are ready for more freedom and privacy!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Happily Married,

Facebook is a great way to connect with friends and family and share life events. It has given us the ability to stay up to date with those who are not involved in our day-to-day lives. Ask yourself the following questions when determining whether to accept a friend request on social media.

Have I talked with my husband about this person, and does he know the history behind our relationship? It is important to be honest and transparent about your past relationships. Keeping secrets will undermine the trust you have with your husband. If he has any reservations about the rekindling of this friendship, ignore the request.

What are the intentions behind the friend request, and what are my intentions in accepting this request? You most likely have some inclination about the motives behind a prior boyfriend reaching out to you and whether his intentions are appropriate. You need to carefully examine your own motives as well to be sure they are pure. Any discontentment in your marriage could easily spark inappropriate conversation.

Could this connection present any issues in my marriage? Reminiscing on the past could stir jealousy or suspicion. Details may come out that your husband wasn’t aware of or that you have never shared with each other. Be sure you both are secure in your relationship and trust one another to be able to deal with any new revelations that may come to light.

Do I allow my husband visibility into my Facebook and social media life? Being accountable with your spouse for your activity will show your commitment to be transparent about those you engage with online. Keeping relationships or conversations hidden from your spouse can lead to other secrets and temptations that can damage trust.

How would I respond if my husband was asked to reconnect with a girlfriend from the past? It is wise to have boundaries in place so you both have clear expectations when it comes to online relationships. Without boundaries, networking sites can become a dangerous place to hang out. Innocent conversation has the potential of turning into something more before you are aware of it.

Examine your online relationships carefully. It is not worth putting your marriage at risk. Guard yourself from any source of temptation and treasure your spouse!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Responsible Teen,

The teen years are a period of intense growth—physically, emotionally, and intellectually! A lot is going on inside the mind and body of an adolescent. The desire for independence and the process of separating from your parents are normal and healthy.

But the growing need for independence does not mean you are responsibly independent yet. You probably still rely on your parents for many things like laundry, meals, a home, and financial aid. Your parents seem ready to give you more freedom by trusting you with a phone.

Accountability is a gift you can really benefit from—if you are willing! It’s a way to allow independence while providing your parents with some hands-on guidance as your reasoning skills are developing.

The truth is that you’re at an impressionable stage in life. Decision-making can be tricky when peer pressure weighs heavily on your thought process. Accountability gives your parents a window into how you control your impulses and anticipate the consequences of your choices and actions as you mature.

Have a conversation with your parents about their expectations. The more trust you build through making wise decisions, the more freedom you will likely experience. Your parents want to equip and train you to be a leader with great character and integrity. Use these years to gain from their wisdom and experience! You will appreciate their efforts as you enter into adulthood.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Bringing Them Up,

Responsibility does not come naturally to any of us! We see examples of that all the way back in the Garden of Eden when Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent. If our children are not required to take responsibility for their behavior, we will create adults who expect entitlement and are unwilling to accept correction.

Responsibility is a quality that needs to be taught. As parents, we should expect it from our kids, not give it as an option. It is one of the most important ingredients of developing maturity. Responsibility will not only teach them discipline but also how to face adversity as they get older.

With young children, give them opportunities to help around the house. Find chores or projects that are appropriate for their age level. Don’t set expectations so high that failure becomes discouraging. Little ones enjoy pleasing Mom and Dad and want to make you proud! Shower them with praise when tasks are finished, while giving correction and guidance in areas they can improve.

By allowing some freedom to fail, children see there is always room for growth. Consequences should be given for tasks that are poorly done or left unfinished. Also consider giving a stronger form of consequence when a child makes excuses. This will emphasize the need to take ownership for poor choices and show the importance of responsibility.

As you train your children, be mindful that you are raising “future adults.” Do your best to equip them with qualities that will mold them into leaders who exhibit outstanding character and high standards of excellence!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Hoping,

Successful accountability requires a willing heart—a desire to change and grow by making the right choices. If it is forced on someone, you will most likely not receive the results you were hoping for. Everyone struggles with something in life. But if a person does not feel the need to improve, then accountability offers little appeal.

It could be that your husband doesn’t see the need for accountability or the benefit it can provide. Ask him if there is a goal he would like to achieve or something he would like to accomplish. An accountability partner makes a great support system to encourage and motivate him toward reaching his goal.

It could also be that your husband is hesitant to enter an accountability partnership with you as his partner. He may not want to hurt you if he knows there is a chance for him to fail or get off track. He could also fear the judgment that would follow from poor choices. You could suggest a trusted friend or mentor to be his partner.

Accountability provides so many benefits to encourage successful life choices and cultivate stronger relationships. But the heart needs to want it too!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.