Dear Shepherding,

Accountability in the church is surprising low. In 2010, the Barna Group did a study and discovered only 5% of Christian churchgoers had any type of accountability in their church. George Barna explained the findings:

Barna Group studies among pastors and other church leaders have consistently shown that such leaders have a distaste for initiating any type of confrontation and conflict with congregants. Another barrier is that many followers of Christ are uncertain about the difference between judgment and discernment. Not wanting to be judgmental, they therefore avoid all conversation about the other person’s behavior—except, sometimes, gossip.

The purpose of accountability in the church should be to motivate every member toward a closer relationship with the Lord. Accountability relationships need to be built on trust and honest communication between individuals and those they have asked to hold them accountable.

Accountability is not a system of judging behavior or setting rules to create legalistic lifestyles, but rather a way for members to discuss, evaluate, and accept counsel and feedback to encourage a closer personal walk with God. By developing supportive, trusting relationships, believers will be able to lean on one another for biblical wisdom and direction.

As a pastor, you can focus on several key areas to encourage accountability relationships within your congregation:

Encourage faithful attendance. A community of Christians who come together on a regular basis will have the opportunity to learn about one another, pray for each other, and rejoice in one another’s praises and blessings. Church family can sometimes provide closer relationships than family ties, especially for those who do not have other believers in their life.

Encourage hospitality. Individuals can easily get lost in the crowd of larger congregations or maintain only surface relationships through social media. Church connections need to be intentional. Gatherings outside of church will help form deeper relationships and build trust among one another. Trust needs time to grow to bring an individual to a place where they are comfortable discussing issues or asking for help from another. This type of relationship takes time and effort!

Encourage friendships between the older and younger generations. Notes, letters, and phone calls are simple ways to open communication between the generational gap. The older generations have much spiritual wisdom and experience to pass on and teach the younger crowd. At times our youth may be under the impression that older folk don’t understand what they are going through. In reality, temptation and life struggles have not changed from one generation to the next.

Young married couples can benefit from the years of experience the older generation has already walked, through marriage trials and joys as well as parenting struggles and victories. The stories and examples of how God has brought them through situations can encourage and motivate the younger generation toward a closer walk with the Lord.

The stronger and deeper the relationships within the body of believers, the more open and willing individuals will be to share their struggles and needs. We all have sin issues, and we all need grace. Having a support system of like-minded friendships in place can go a long way to encourage accountability!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Conscientious,

I understand your concern, as devices provide unlimited access to entertainment. Games and social media distractions can keep our kids glued to a screen way too long. Self-control is an important skill that will benefit our children in all areas of life, not just when it comes to screen time.

As parents, it is always best to lead by example. Demonstrate what self-control looks like. When using your device, it is wise to set a time limit. Be purposeful when using technology, and do not just use it out of boredom. Wandering aimlessly through TV channels or browsing the internet can lead to a lot of wasted time. Gaming and social media can quickly eat up hours before you know it! Have an idea of what you want to accomplish and how long you want to spend doing that activity before moving on to something else.

Look into activities and volunteering opportunities that can occupy your children’s time while teaching them important life skills. Karate, ballet, art classes, and so on will get them socially engaged with others and teach them discipline. Have them volunteer to cut the neighbors’ grass or do tasks for the elderly in your area. Family activities and outings are also great ways to put the screens down and enjoy quality time with one another.

There is always the choice to limit screen time until your children are older. Their developing minds reap enormous benefits from playing and using their imagination, rather than being entertained. Encourage activity outside or toys that develop skills.

Older children who may already have their own devices should have clear boundaries in place as to when and where their devices can be used. Rules that don’t allow devices in the bedroom or after a certain hour will ensure that device activity does not interfere with sleep habits.

Accountable2You provides the ability to monitor screen time, set time limit alerts to notify you when any device is being used outside the allowed time, and keep you updated on device activity. As parents, you need to set the limit. With the average screen time for children now reaching over seven hours per day, you need to be diligent about how much time your kids use technology.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Sincere Christian,

God takes sex very seriously, and so should we. His design for sexual intimacy is meant to be shared only in the confines of the marriage covenant. But Satan wants us to believe a lie. We are bombarded with false messages in movies, TV shows, novels, billboards, magazines, and music saying sexual purity is unrealistic and promiscuity is harmless.

God created us to be sexual beings and enjoy the pleasures that the marriage relationship allows. But until such a time, how do we maintain self-control of these desires while we are single? How can we be sexually pure while dating?

Always be on guard. Don’t think that it can’t happen to you. No matter how spiritual you are, no matter how much you read Scripture and pray about staying pure, temptation affects everyone. Not taking appropriate precautions while dating will leave you wide open to vulnerability.

Date with purpose. Dating is an avenue toward marriage. Be purposeful with the individuals you choose to date. Maintain the mindset that you will date only potential mates. Enjoying friendships with the opposite gender in group settings is a great way to really get to know people. You do not need to use dating to discover if you have an interest in someone.

Set boundaries. When you do discover someone who has the qualities of a potential mate, be sure to set boundaries early in the relationship. Talk about and agree in advance on appropriate levels of affection. Physical contact is powerful. The more you stimulate your senses, the harder it is to turn back. Don’t flirt with temptation like the child who sees how close they can get their finger to the flame, inevitably gets too close, and gets burned.

Have accountability. Plan your dates and activities around other people. This doesn’t mean you can’t have alone time for private discussions, but be sure other people are around and available to keep you accountable. Lounging on a couch or snuggling together alone in a room provides an opportunity for temptation. Knowing you have eyes on you will allow you to concentrate on conversation rather than the physical connection. We often keep the things we treasure under lock and key for safety. Treasure your purity!

When temptation comes, RUN. Whenever temptation rears its head, don’t stick around and try to fight it. RUN! By taking time to linger and think about it at the moment, you open yourself up to making wrong choices. Remove any source of temptation from your relationship. Whether it is the movies you watch together or the people you hang out with, if you know it influences you towards temptation, remove it.

Realize the cost. Participating in sexual intimacy outside of marriage carries a huge cost. Not only do you create an opportunity for life-changing ramifications like disease and pregnancy, but you rob yourself and your future spouse the joy and excitement that comes with the connection and oneness sex brings to a marriage. Sex forms an intense bond physically, emotionally, and mentally. When you create that deep bond with someone other than your spouse, you set yourself up for brokenness, heartache, and pain. What a gift purity brings to the marriage bed without the fear or shame from previous encounters.

Put in place an action plan using accountability that will safeguard your relationship from sexual temptation. Do not walk the purity road alone.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Concerned Christian,

It’s not easy to confront a spouse about difficult topics, but it is necessary in order to have a healthy functioning marriage. Sweeping serious issues under the rug will lead to worse problems that encourage bitterness, resentment, and discontentment in the relationship. Marriage is a union of two imperfect, sinful people. If we come into marriage comparing our relationship with what we see in the movies or read in novels, we set ourselves up for unrealistic expectations that will breed disappointment.

Before rushing into a conversation, I encourage you to bathe the situation in prayer. Charging into a confrontation thoughtlessly can bring the wrong tone and attitude. Seek godly wisdom first to be sure your heart and mind are in the right posture. Respect for your spouse is not based on whether they deserve it but is a reflection of our obedience to God.

Be certain what you are about to discuss is actually a sin and not just a different perspective. We may not always agree with how our spouse acts, thinks, or makes decisions, but that doesn’t mean it is sinful. Examine your own heart as well for any sin issues you have not dealt with. The tendency to rank some sin worse than others can cause us to push our own faults and failures aside. In God’s eyes, any sin is an offense.

Plan your conversation ahead of time. Bringing up a weighty topic if your spouse has had a difficult day or is not feeling well is not fair to them. Remember to address the sin and not make it a personal attack against your spouse. Sin is the enemy. Be clear and listen to your spouse as they respond. If they become defensive or shut down the conversation, let them know you would be willing to talk about this at a different time when they are ready.

Be ready to forgive. Forgiveness does not mean that trust has been restored. It is a response to the forgiveness we receive through Christ. Work on ways to rebuild the trust and communication that may have been lost. Accountability between spouses is a wonderful way to be transparent with one another and provide an opportunity for honest dialogue about all areas of life. If there is no desire for repentance from your spouse, then wise counsel should be sought out.

Above all, love your spouse. Marriage is a duty you took on at the wedding altar for life! Being able to face difficult situations together as a unified team will make your relationship stronger and draw you closer together.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Caring,

As a mom who is trying to get multiple tasks accomplished in a day, it is very tempting to place young children in front of a screen to keep them occupied. With laundry, meal preparation, cleaning, and errands, it can be overwhelming to get anything done with small children needing Mama’s attention. Television and devices can easily become a babysitter if we are not careful.

As you may know, the first five years are critical in the development of a child’s brain. Too much screen time can overstimulate a child’s nervous system which can lead to behavioral and learning disorders. Many experts suggest that children under the age of five have only one hour of screen time daily.

Experiences and interactions have a direct impact on a toddlers learning and motor skills, as well as their social and emotional abilities. These experiences and interactions cannot happen if they are constantly in front of a screen. Toddlers need to explore and play. Blocks, puzzles, textured toys, and picture books develop logical thought, concentration, and organization while stimulating imagination. Reading to toddlers develops language skills and vocabulary. Playdates with other children help to develop social skills like taking turns, sharing, and how to treat others.

Too much screen time can also discourage physical exercise. Running around and playing builds strength and develops body movement, flexibility, and coordination. Experiencing the outdoors and interacting with animals can help children to cultivate a love for science and nature. Physical exercise also promotes healthier living and staying in shape, even at an early age.

Another danger with using the television to keep little ones occupied is that parents are not fully aware of what their kids are soaking up through the screen. Although stations may advertise “kid friendly” viewing, many cartoons and shows may not promote messages you are comfortable with as a parent. Without watching shows prior to your kids viewing, some of these messages will go undetected.

There is much you can do as a parent to encourage a love of learning early on in your children. Screen time can have its place and purpose on occasion, but healthy habits need to be taught early on!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Uneasy,

Way to go Mom and Dad for setting up accountability in your home! You are taking the right steps to teach your children the importance of taking personal responsibility for their actions and decisions. But how do you ensure that they continue this same behavior when you’re not around?

From the time kids are young, we need to continue emphasizing the need for accountability as a lifestyle, not just what we do in the home. It involves much more than merely installing accountability software or internet filtering on their devices. Accountability requires a great deal of involvement from you!

Parents should focus on these four critical areas to encourage an environment of accountability.

1. Relationship

The best way to achieve accountability in any area is to have a close relationship with someone to talk through struggles, temptations, and choices. Cultivating a trusting relationship with your children will go a long way in maintaining open communication about their decisions and actions. Knowing that you are the one person who will support and love them no matter what will encourage them to come to you with confusing and difficult situations.

If you don’t invest in your relationship with your kids, they will seek this connection somewhere else. As a result, they may confide in others who do not have their best interests in mind. Having a loving support system in place will encourage kids toward transparency, especially when they need wise advice.

2. Conversation

Conversation needs to occur at home on a constant basis. By making yourself available to discuss things when your kids need to talk, you show them you are interested and care about what is going on in their life. Talk about their relationships, friends, activities, and plans for the future. Ask about the struggles and pressures they feel from outside influences and the choices their friends are making.

Daily conversation will encourage an environment of openness and allow you the opportunity to direct questions toward important and sensitive topics. When kids feel loved and safe to discuss issues without fear of judgment, they will have the confidence to come to you with anything. The influence you can have on your children by simply being available can greatly impact their actions and decisions!

3. Boundaries

Kids need to know what is ok and not ok and why. Boundaries need to be clearly taught and compliance expected 100 percent of the time, not just at home. Having clear guidelines will make decision-making easier when they are faced with choices you are not around to witness.

What types and ratings of movies are ok? What video games are acceptable? What places and groups are to be avoided? When can technology be used and with whom? When boundaries are clearly defined, it eliminates confusion.

Kids are inquisitive! It helps for them to know the reason why things are not healthy for them, not just because mom and dad said so. By discussing the dangers of wrong choices, they will think twice before heading into a situation they know can be harmful to them.

4. Escape Plan

Peer pressure can make it hard to make the right choices. Kids need to know how to get out of situations that make them uncomfortable or that go outside the boundaries set for them. Having a plan in place to let your children discreetly ask for help can be a huge benefit to maintaining accountability.

Set up a trigger word that will initiate a phone call from you. If your kids text you the trigger word, you can call them and explain they need to excuse themselves because they are required at home. Just knowing there is a quick way out of any situation can alleviate the pressure to make the wrong choices.

Encourage accountability with your children by investing in your relationship with them! Make their success in life a priority while you have influence in their choices and decisions. The impact you make on them while their young will be far reaching into adulthood.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Busy Dad,

That is a legitimate concern, especially in our technology-driven society. Screen time is replacing much of the time families used to spend together. Sadly, we are often depriving our relationships of much-needed face-to-face interaction. When we spend too much time looking at a screen instead of each other, we miss out on valuable quality time with those we love.

Three areas are particularly important to maintaining close, healthy connections within our family relationships.

1. Affection

Technology provides an avenue to connect with people, but it can cause us to lose out on the physical connection that face-to-face interactions provide. Personal contact is very important to the physical, cognitive, and emotional development of our children.

When children are young, personal contact comes quite naturally as they enjoy cuddles, holding hands, and kisses. We tend not to show the same amount of affection as our kids mature. Whether they are embarrassed by parental affection in front of peers or struggle with bodily changes, physical contact is still a necessity for the development of our relationship with our older children.

A simple hug can send the message that they are loved, important, and belong. It has the ability to reduce their stress and anxiety and is a way of opening the door of communication if they are struggling with something. Physical touch builds trust in a relationship and will deepen your connection with your kids.

2. Conversation

It’s easy to miss opportunities to have a good conversation if we don’t pull ourselves away from our devices. Put boundaries in place for where and when technology can be used. For example, restricting device usage at the table will give you a chance to catch up on everyone’s day.

Not allowing devices in the bedroom can provide an opportunity to talk about more serious conversation as your kids are winding down for the day. Go deeper than surface questions like “How was your day?” You can find out much more by asking very specific questions! What brings them happiness? What scares them? What confuses them? What are their interests? Discuss world events and how it makes them feel. Make it a priority to initiate conversation. You could be pleasantly surprised at how much your kids will open up and share with you.

3. Availability

When our mind is occupied with the screen in front of us, we have a tendency to not give our full attention to what is happening around us. Whether it is a half-hearted answer to a child’s question, or not paying attention to the activity going on in the next room, we are not fully present when our eyes are fixed on a screen.

Make it a rule that each family member must fully engage when approached. That requires their device to be set aside and eye contact made. Children can tell when our focus is elsewhere which will discourage them from opening up and discussing important issues. Be available and be present! Quality interaction takes intention.

Connecting with our kids on a deep, personal level is important to maintaining a strong relationship with them. Be deliberate and enjoy their youth! They grow up way too fast!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Reluctant,

One of the most important relationships we get to enjoy is the union of marriage. Marriage vows are a commitment to keep ourselves solely unto our spouse until death. When we enter the marriage covenant, it is important to put in place boundaries and accountability to guard our relationship from outside temptation.

If you maintain appropriate friendships with the opposite gender, there should be no hesitation to bring up these relationships with your spouse. The fact that your husband doesn’t know about this friendship and the fear that he could disrupt it should concern you. As a married woman, you are opening yourself up to temptation by guarding this male friendship secretively.

Inappropriate behavior with male companions can start with an innocent conversation. Casual talk can lead to sharing information, thoughts, or feelings that should only be kept between you and your husband. A male friend might make you feel understood and appreciated more than you feel your husband does. But investing in this type of emotional connection with your coworker, without boundaries in place, provides an opportunity to stray from your commitment to your spouse. While you might view this friendship innocently right now, having secrets from your husband will cause distrust down the road in your marriage.

You and your husband should have honest conversations about the friendships you both have outside of your marriage. Any activity with the opposite gender should be done with others present. Guard your heart toward deepened emotional relationships with other men.

Your relationship with your spouse takes priority over any other relationship. Marital fidelity is a commitment to daily seek what is best for your spouse and remain loyal to him and your marriage! Strive to be a person of faithful character and integrity.

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.

Dear Attentive,

I’m glad to hear that you want to do your best to keep your marriage covenant free from any vulnerabilities. Being intentional to maintain an honest, trusting relationship with your husband should certainly be a priority. Accountability is an important tool to have in place to ensure that transparency and integrity are desired by you both.

While your husband is home, be sure to invest in your relationship! Marriage is directly related to your friendship with one another. A deep, emotionally connected relationship fosters a culture of trust, respect, and companionship. Be sure there are no conflicts left unresolved that could allow resentment and bitterness to grow while you are apart.

I encourage you to discuss events and decisions that will take place while he is gone, so you are both in agreement about things. Also, have boundaries in place when it comes to spending time alone with the opposite gender. Do not allow any temptation to have an opportunity to grow.

Spend quality time together, and be sure you both have your intimate needs met. A relationship that is left with vulnerable areas may cause either of you to feel insecure, lonely, abandoned, or fearful. Before he goes on his trip, leave him with a kiss you’ll both remember for days!

While he is away, try to connect with each other each day either through phone, text, or video. Keep each other up to date with your activities. If your husband is on a trip with another female, it is wise for him to have a third coworker or chaperone come along. Plan for his return with something exciting to look forward to. Be creative!

Accountable2You is a helpful tool for staying accountable to your spouse through detailed reporting of internet and device activity, app usage, and screen time. Your marriage is worth the effort and investment!

Yours in accountability,
Ali

“Ask Ali” is an op-ed column answering common questions about accountability and related topics.