Accountable2You » Resources » Personal Accountability » How to Bring Up Pornography Use When You're Dating
What do you do when everything seems to be going well, but one question might ruin it? For me, that question should have been simple: “How much dairy is in this cake?” But bringing up my inability to digest lactose to a new friend felt awkward, especially after she’d spent hours baking and was already excitedly cutting me a slice of her homemade Slavic cake. I was excited to try something new and didn’t want to make things uncomfortable, so I said nothing and just hoped for the best.
A week of debilitating pain and a near trip to the ER taught me an important lesson: awkward questions now can prevent painful consequences later.
You might be in a situation where a relationship is budding, and you know at some point you’re going to have to ask an important but awkward question. The risk for you might not be physical pain, but a potentially relationship-altering situation, so you hesitate to bring up this sensitive topic. But asking now can save you a lifetime of hurt. With God’s help, you can and should ask the person you are dating, “What do you think about pornography?”
A 2024 Barna survey reveals that roughly three out of five adults in the United States report having viewed pornography. It also shows that a high number of both men and women of dating age struggle with pornography. While you don’t want to sinfully assume that the person you are dating is one of them, you have to acknowledge the reality and prevalence of pornography.
A person whose life is dominated by pornography now may not be the potential spouse you should be pursuing marriage with.
By its nature, pornography is a destructive sin that is easy to conceal. You might personally know couples whose marriages suffered as a result of pornography. I know of a wife who discovered her husband’s 15-year enslavement to pornography 10 years into their marriage. She didn’t think she had to ask because he didn’t seem like the person who would use pornography.
Do you desire a relationship that is centered on Christ? As someone who takes their calling to holiness seriously, it’s important to pursue a relationship with someone who shares that same desire. When both people are committed to growing in holiness (1 Peter 1:16), they are more likely to take sins like pornography seriously and address them with wisdom and care.
A person whose life is dominated by pornography now may not be the potential spouse you should be pursuing marriage with. While it’s true that you will not find a sinless person to marry, their attitude toward sin now should be a factor in your decision to commit to them for a lifetime. If the person you are dating is presently struggling with lust, it’s important to recognize that marriage will not resolve that struggle (Proverbs 6:32–33), and it should lead you to carefully evaluate the direction of the relationship.
Pornography isn’t a natural conversation topic among dating couples, so here are some points that you can use to open with:
As you prepare to bring up the topic, also pray for the timing of the conversation. Ideally, it shouldn’t come up casually or in jest. Share that you would like to talk about an important topic and set aside time when both of you can come emotionally prepared.
As you prepare for that conversation, pray diligently. Ask the Lord for a heart ready to hear whatever the response may be. While the other person shares, listen prayerfully and attentively. Ask for the Lord’s help that you won’t be hasty in your response, but rather be gracious in your action and speech.
After you have brought up the topic and asked the initial difficult question, here are some suggestions for follow-up questions you can ask:
Guard yourself against asking unnecessary questions and seeking unhelpful details, such as the websites they visited for pornographic content. You can ask other relevant questions, but craft them thoughtfully (e.g., Don’t start with, “I would never date a person who uses pornography. How about you?”).
As they respond to your questions, guard yourself from becoming offended by sins from their past. While their sin was ultimately against God (Psalm 51:4), you might still find it difficult to hear and accept. Nevertheless, approach the conversation with humility and grace rather than expecting a particular response.
After asking the initial difficult question, you may find that hearing the answer is even harder. Your girlfriend might admit that she knows the dangers of pornography, not because she is struggling with it now, but because she has in the past. This can still be a hard truth to hear, but it’s also a cause for praise that your sister in Christ has been freed from the bondage of this sin.
It matters how far back “the past” really is. If it means last month, that doesn’t yet show perseverance or growth in overcoming temptation. Watch her character and how she deals with any sin in the present. How does she talk of her past sin in light of God’s holiness? Does she have accountability in place?
If your boyfriend admits to an ongoing pornography problem, commend their honesty and keep listening with gentleness and grace. Encourage him to talk to godly men in his life. As much as you are concerned about him, you are not the right person to help him. He requires a heart change that only the Holy Spirit can bring. Since you have not made a covenant with him yet, you are free to break things off.
If you find it difficult to bring up this topic, you don’t have to do it on your own. God has provided you with faithful, mature brothers and sisters in Christ in your church (Proverbs 15:22; Ephesians 4:15). They can offer godly counsel tailored to your specific situation. If you want to pursue marriage with this person, consider seeking pre-engagement counseling where you can discuss this difficult topic and other important issues with your church leaders.
If you find it difficult to bring up this topic, you don’t have to do it on your own.
If you are the one experiencing pornography as a life-dominating sin, the most humble and honest thing you can do now is end your relationship, ask for help from others, and experience freedom from your sin through Christ. You might feel it’s unfair if your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks your pornography use is a dealbreaker for marriage, but your priority now should be your relationship with God, not with the person you’re dating. When you are living in a manner worthy of the calling of believers (Ephesians 4:1), you won’t have to live in fear of being caught, and you won’t have anything to hide.
The cake my friend baked looked so innocent. Surely, I thought, it couldn’t have more than the usual amount of dairy in it. As much as I disliked the pain I experienced from not asking about the cake, I’ve come to regret not asking a more important question. In the past, I’ve hesitated to bring up the topic of pornography, fearing it might come across as distrust or unfair judgment toward a man who also claimed to love Jesus. But there’s often more than meets the eye. Like my cake story, some things need to be asked up front—no matter how awkward—in order to honor the Lord in our decisions.
Stephanie Colinco is the Educational Content Manager at Accountable2You. She holds degrees in biblical counseling (MABC, TMU; DEdMin, SBTS) and loves using her training to serve women both globally and at her local church, Grace and Truth Church Cincinnati.