Accountable2You » Resources » Personal Accountability » Purity Culture Did Not Prepare Me for Singleness
I had a plan. I was going to marry the man with whom I shared a “Vow of Purity” and matching purity rings. Together, we would serve the Lord as a family while he pastored. But after years of courtship, I found myself unexpectedly single in my late twenties. My plans unraveled after the news of his sexual betrayal and disqualification from ministry. No husband, no kids, now what?
Nothing had prepared me for the possibility of singleness, not even the purity culture I had religiously followed. I assumed marriage was inevitable because the messages that saturated my youth spoke only in terms of when I’d get married, never if. I couldn’t find hope in other single women who, like me, grew up during purity culture’s peak in the 1990s and early 2000s, as most seem to struggle with unwanted singleness. Perhaps that disillusionment stems from the way purity culture presented marriage and sex as the ultimate grand prize, making singleness feel like an unwanted consolation prize. If marriage is Plan A, then singleness must be Plan B.
Purity culture may not have presented the beauty of singleness, but God’s sufficient Word does. God has a plan, and nothing catches Him by surprise. As His daughters, we must know Him to know His plans for us. As those whose hope is in Christ, we must not view singleness with self-pity, loathing, or even apathy. A proper understanding of God will help us grow deeper confidence in His plans as we seek to faithfully steward our present singleness.
God made humans—single or married—to worship and glorify Him. Singles do not need to get married first before they can fulfill their God-given purpose. God expects wholehearted devotion in our singleness, not discontented hearts that long for something “better” than what God has given.
Only the One True God satisfies; we must devote ourselves to pursuing Him alone.
Purity culture magnified marriage and sex as if the ultimate purpose of life could only be found in them. While they are good things to desire because they are two of God’s innumerable beautiful designs, we should not desire them more than we desire God. When we devote our time, resources, and affections toward other objects, we worship them instead of God. God-substitutes demand our obsession, only to leave us feeling more hollow. Only the One True God satisfies; we must devote ourselves to pursuing Him alone (Exodus 20:3–5).
We can do nothing to earn God’s favor. This applies to salvation and our seeking of God’s will for marriage. Purity culture promised a good marriage and a satisfying sex life as rewards for chastity. While its teachings can help us to be more thoughtful in how we approach dating, marriage, and sex, we cannot put our hope in a promise that God did not explicitly make. He did not promise His gifts of marriage and sex to anybody, including those who followed the purity culture rules religiously. He sovereignly bestows His gifts on whomever He wants.
When we desire God’s gift more than Himself, we will only grow resentful and bitter. Contrary to what we may believe, God is not withholding good things from us, which He demonstrated by not sparing His only Son to give us His best gift (Romans 8:32). Our belief in God’s sovereign plan can dispel any sense of entitlement.
God does not expect us to show up holy only on one day of our lives; He expects us to put on holiness daily.
Purity culture pointed to the wedding night as the most special time for all the forbearance to be rewarded. Chances are, a good number of couples showed up to their wedding nights as virgins but were not pure according to biblical standards. Jesus taught that we break the law against adultery in our hearts by thinking lustful thoughts (Matthew 5:28).
God does not expect us to show up holy only on one day of our lives; He expects us to put on holiness daily (Romans 13:14; 1 Peter 1:15–16). The pursuit of holiness lasts our whole lives and involves going to God’s Word daily, depending on Him in prayer, practicing repentance regularly, and submitting to His will. When our hope is on an earthly date, we are sure to grow impatient and weary, but when we have an eternal perspective, we will not try to force our timing into God’s timeline.
Purity culture set high standards that no fallible human being could perfectly achieve, and there was little or no hope for those who stumbled. Some of us who were taught to view it as a “sexual prosperity gospel” may feel singleness is God’s curse because we “gave our hearts away” too prematurely, dressed immodestly, or . . . fill in the blanks. God does hold us up to a high standard, but He also knows that we cannot reach His holy standard apart from Christ (Hebrews 10:10).
It takes humility to admit that one has not kept herself pure in her thoughts, actions, and desires, and in that humility, God grants salvation (Psalm 149:4). By His grace, He does not count our sins against us and does not repay us according to our sins (Psalm 103:10,12). Those who have experienced this grace and mercy from God must not look down on those who have fallen short in the area of sexual purity, since we are all but beggars of God’s grace.
My plans may have failed, but my unexpected singleness isn’t God’s Plan B for me, and it isn’t for any of my single sisters, either. Purity culture may not have prepared me for singleness, but it did prevent me from making foolish choices in my younger years, allowing me to enjoy my God-given singleness now. May the coming generations of women see singleness—whether temporary or lifelong—not as a punishment or second-best, but as a precious time to delight in the Lord, trust in His sovereignty, persevere in holiness, and clothe themselves in humility.