How to Be Sexually Pure While Dating

I had been looking forward to my first 5-star hotel stay in the Middle East, thanks to an unbelievable airline deal. For months, I daydreamed about exploring a part of the world I’ve never seen, enjoying amazing food, and relaxing in a luxury hotel between long flights. When the day finally came, I eagerly headed to the complimentary limousine, only to be told I wasn’t allowed to go.

I was missing one important thing to enjoy my mini-vacation: a visa. I had put too much confidence in my years of traveling that I didn't pay careful attention during the preparation. Much to my disappointment, my planned relaxation turned into an airport staycation, giving me plenty of time to reflect on how easy it is to focus on the excitement of a special day and completely overlook the details that make it possible.

Many single people feel the same anticipation for another special moment—their wedding day. They imagine the flower-lined aisle, the perfect venue, and the person standing next to them at the altar. But just like my missed vacation, many fail to prepare well in the process. One crucial but often overlooked battle that may surprise unprepared Christian couples is the struggle for sexual purity while dating.

Romans 12:1–2 tells us not to conform to the ways of the world, and that includes how we approach dating. Hollywood rarely highlights the value of purity before marriage because it’s a fight unique to those who belong to Christ and who take both marriage and sex seriously. If we prepare carefully for a wedding day, how much more should we prepare our hearts for the covenant behind it?

Let me offer biblical foundations to help anchor you in purity, and practical actions to keep you on track.

Foundations

Make purity your priority

The commitment to sexual purity while dating doesn’t start on the first date. It begins with a heart committed to holiness in every area of life. The apostle Peter reminds us that, like the Holy One who has called us to salvation, we must be holy (1 Peter 1:15–16).

We have the hope that when God calls us to live a holy life, He is not calling us to an impossible task. He has made our holiness possible through Jesus Christ, who bore our sins and gave us His righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:21). We can be pure because we have been made pure by Christ, and we get to live out our purity every day through the help of the Holy Spirit (2 Timothy 1:9).

In light of this, our commitment to purity shouldn’t just be, “I will not have sex before marriage,” but, “I want to be pure before the Lord in every aspect of my life until He calls me home.” When emotions run high and temptation creeps in, this deeper conviction will keep us grounded and sober-minded.

Do God’s will

Many singles say they want to follow God’s will in dating, but feel unsure what that actually means. Scripture gives us a clear answer: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3).

God’s will is for us to become more like Jesus. God primarily uses His Word and prayer to help us grow into Christlikeness. It is only through intimacy with God that we can find clear guidance for God’s specific will in dating.

When we desire to obey God’s will, we won’t date casually or for physical intimacy. When we align ourselves with God’s will, we desire what He desires. Since His will is for us to be pure and to keep the marriage bed sacred (Hebrews 13:4), we know not to use sexual compatibility as a
“test” to know who we should marry.

Set a high standard

When we think about dating standards, our minds often go to physical traits, intelligence, or character. While those are things to consider in a potential spouse prayerfully, the highest standard we should set and faithfully uphold is to only date someone who is as serious about their relationship with God as we are. If our daily goal is to do God’s will and pursue sanctification, then we should only consider dating someone who is striving toward the same purpose. We ought to marry only “in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).

This is a high standard because we shouldn’t be content with a person’s claim to be a Christian. Many people can say that they love Jesus, but their lives prove otherwise. We may not see a person’s heart before God, but we can observe the fruits. Are they making it hard for you to be pure before the Lord? How do they fight sin? How’s their relationship with God’s Word? What do others who know them well say about their character? We are not looking for sinlessness, but holiness and faithfulness.

I encourage you not to take this lightly. Many have learned this lesson the hard way. They noticed warning signs while dating and ignored them, hoping they could change their partner during marriage. Remember, who we choose as our marriage partner sets the course of our sanctification. If they are going in a different spiritual direction and we are yoked to them, we are choosing a very hard life (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Know Whose you are

If you’re in Christ, you are a redeemed child of the King (John 1:12). You are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10). You don’t need another person to fill some imaginary “love tank.” You are already fully loved and known by God.

When you know who you are in Christ, you will not enter dating with a mindset that you need someone else to complete you. Even a good desire like marriage can become idolatry when we want it more than we want God Himself. Too often, we turn to our dates for meaning and security in life, things which only God can give.

Knowing Whose you are also changes how you see others. Instead of viewing a date as a romantic prospect first, you see them as a brother or sister in Christ to regard with honor and purity (1 Timothy 5:1–2).

If we don’t have solid foundations for dating with purity, we will be quick to compromise our actions. Our emotions can cloud our judgment, and we will start asking, “Why does it even matter?” We can then remind ourselves of these foundational truths as we put them into action.

Actions

Set clear boundaries early

1. Be clear with your commitment to purity in your relationship from the beginning.Tell the other person about your serious commitment to live in holiness as you discuss dating.
2. Draw the line early on. Put away overconfidence and exercise watchfulness. Don’t think, “Setting boundaries isn’t necessary since we are both Christians.”
3. Make it hard for your flesh to sin. Galatians 5:16-17 reminds us not to gratify the flesh. Actively choose to avoid sin and do not make room for it.
4. Date differently from unbelievers. The apostle Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 4:4–5, “Each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God (ESV).”
5. Don’t test the limits of your self-control. You should not see how far you can go until you lose control. That is done out of pride (1 Corinthians 10:12).

Always be on guard

1. Be aware of evil. As God’s child, the enemy would want nothing more than to destroy your testimony and render you ineffective, so don’t give the devil a foothold.
2. Think long-term, not just what is pleasurable in the moment. Remember that you are in a battle and your sinful flesh wants what feels good and easy.
3. Be intentional and prayerful about your time together. Plan ahead and avoid leaving room for lengthy idle time. Don’t place yourselves in compromising situations.
4. Guard your life. Purity is not only in behavior but in the way we think, talk, and dress. Don’t be a stumbling block to a brother or sister in Christ by using sexually provocative words or clothing. Also, be mindful of the influence of the movies you watch and the company you keep.
5. If the other person leads you to sin sexually, RUN. If they are quick to compromise their relationship with God to satisfy their lustful desires, question their commitment to holiness. You can know how seriously a person takes their relationship with God, not by how often they claim they read the Bible, but by how they regard your purity.

Be held accountable

1. Invite mature Christians to hold you accountable. Surround yourself with people who know you and the person you are dating well. Share your commitment to sexual purity with them so they can help you stay the course.
2. Be honest with those who are keeping you accountable. Be open to their questions and concerns. Be willing to be probed about your dates out of a desire to live in the light, and to not do anything associated with darkness (Ephesians 5:11–13).

Years later, I can find humor in my travel mishap, but the sting remains. It was a costly mistake, and I missed out on an incredible opportunity because I failed to prepare. But these regrets are nothing compared to the cost of being ill-prepared in the battle for sexual purity while dating.

If we don’t take this fight seriously, we risk much more than missed experiences: we risk sexually transmitted diseases, unexpected pregnancies, shame, and the sorrow of carrying painful memories. We may also one day have to face pain and regret when we have to do the difficult task of sharing our sexual history with a future spouse. Praise God that He is a merciful God who offers forgiveness to those who have failed in this area, but He also rewards those who walk with Him in purity and obedience (2 Timothy 2:21).

There’s an even greater wedding day we must prepare for: the Marriage Supper of the Lamb, where our Bridegroom, the Lord Jesus Christ, will present us, His Bride, to Himself as holy and without blemish (Revelation 19:7–8). Until that glorious day, we are called to purify ourselves just as He is pure (1 John 3:1–3). Are we making the necessary preparations for that special day?